One of the major causes of burnout in any area of life is constantly working today to clean up the messes you created yesterday .

Keep in mind that the dish thing, while true, is really just a symbol of some much deeper issues. Because it is so simple to understand though, it will be referenced throughout this article.

First of all, lets define burnout. In searching through several dictionaries, the following seems to capture what each of them say;

Burnout; exhaustion of physical or emotional strength or motivation usually as a result of prolonged stress or frustration (Merriam-Webster).

Throughout the various definitions, prolonged stress is consistently referenced as the cause of burnout. So, what is it that cause the “prolonged stress”?

There are many origins for ongoing stress; relationship issues, prolonged illness of self or a loved one, trying to fulfill unrealistic expectations… etc. As a social worker, I have seen many co-workers (myself included) experience burnout; the work is too emotionally draining, not enough time and resources for all that needs to be done (unrealistic expectations), and lack of appropriate boundaries.

And then there is consistent procrastination and the consequences it brings with it.

An extreme example is the case of a long term drug user, who finally decides to enter recovery. The difficulty is two pronged. One side is managing the addiction itself, both physically and psychologically. The other part, which is often the most challenging, is that the person in recovery now has to deal with all the messes he or she created, and effectively avoided by using the drugs. Relationships, physical health, finances, legal issues, etc. are all common messes that the individual now has to face.

Another example is the person who is always in financial crisis. My own credit issues of the past were in large part created due to procrastination… I was not dealing with things when they needed to be handled. As time passed, I found myself living with more and more stress as I was constantly trying to put out financial fires. I would then become burned out from dealing with the crises, and take a break from thinking about it, only to procrastinate more of the things needing to be done. This cycle repeated over and over… All of this would have been avoided had I dealt with my debts as I created them.

If you are suffering from burnout, take a look and see if you are constantly “living in the past”. Are you always trying to clean up your messes from yesterday? What causes long term stress more than constantly putting out fires from the days, weeks, and years before today?

Unlike many of the other cited causes of prolonged stress, this is one you actually have control over.

How would it feel to be working on today’s messes today? How would it be to wake up tomorrow with a clean slate, without feeling dragged down by the messes you created in the past?

Living creates messes, and that’s inevitable. Clean them up as you go. Pretending they don’t exist only makes them get bigger. Pretending there are no dirty dishes after dinner will never make them go away. And the next time you eat and pretend they aren’t there, the pile will only get bigger.

Do yourself a favor… wash your dishes soon after using them. Remember to clean up all your other messes as you go. You’ll be glad you did.

We look forward to seeing you at Plain Advice!

My first try was a complete disaster. My instructors (aka my brother, brother-in-law and sister-in-law) had told me what to expect, and what to do, but I had no idea what that really meant until I was holding the rope and the boat jerked forward. I let go of the rope and the wake board flew under me, pulling me face down in the water. So I got back up, grabbed the rope, and tried again. Same thing. After a few times of this happening, I started to realize that I needed to position myself slightly different to accommodate the dynamics of the water, wake board, and my body. I started to make progress (according to the experts who were watching me), but still, no cool surfing behind the boat! Each time I would get a little closer and realize something else I was doing wrong. By about the 10th or so try, I finally was able to get up for about for about a split second. By that time I was exhausted and decided I would have to come back another day for more practice.

Shortly after we came home from our vacation, my older kids decided to teach my five year old how to ride his bike sans training wheels. He was terrified but worked up his courage to try. As I watched him go back and forth on the sidewalk, with his sisters running beside him, I thought again about the importance of experiencing “failure” as a way to learn. He fell a few times, and each time, his siblings explained to him the best way to fall, how to prevent falling, etc. I watched my little boy learn the dynamics of a two wheel bike as he experienced falling again and again. He has not yet mastered this skill, but I have no doubt that he will with some more practice, and plenty more falls.

What is failure anyway? The dictionary defines it as “The condition or fact of not achieving the desired end”. I say that failure is just a necessary step toward ultimately achieving whatever it is we are trying to do. It sounds cliché, but there is a reason for cliché’s… usually they are true.

As illustrated by my (non) wake boarding experience, and that of my son learning to ride a two wheeler, with each failure comes a powerful opportunity to learn. There is no way to become skilled at wake boarding without actually being in the water and trying. For most people, that involves a lot of learning of what doesn’t work before finding out what does. The same goes for riding a bike. You can’t just explain to your kid how to ride a two wheeler and then away they ride into the sunset. Life is about trial and error. And then success.

In working with addicts, I have learned that relapse is a part of recovery. Why? Simply because as the addict begins to be conscious of what is going on, the relapses that happen become an amazing learning tool to them. Although they are not yet at the point of complete success, they are able to gain more insight into their problem, and how they get there each time. They are able to consciously choose to get out of that pattern and learn the small but significant ways to get where they want to go.

I find this to be an amazing principle. Looking at failure as a way to success is not just a way to lick your wounds and make yourself feel better when you are down. Evaluate any failure you are experiencing or have experienced, and see what you can glean from it. How can it help you be more successful next time? I am 100% sure you will find something valuable as you look at your failures in this way.

Please share your experiences with this principle, and offer your own insights by leaving a comment!

As always, thanks for stopping by!

Introduction

One of the most difficult things an interracial/intercultural couple may face, especially early in the relationship, is disapproval from others. When you are dating and falling in love with somebody, it can be upsetting when others don’t share in your joy. Although society has come a long way in the past 40 years (interracial marriage was illegal in the U.S. until 1967), interracial and intercultural couples still run into social disapproval today. It tends to be more subtle, but obvious to those who are experiencing it. If your goal is to build a long term interracial/intercultural relationship you must learn to deal appropriately with the controversey and criticism surrounding your relationship.

My story

I consider myself to be pretty lucky in regards to this issue. For the most part, I have always had the support of my family regarding my relationship with Jorge. I was nervous to tell my parents that I was dating him. I didn’t need to be… after telling them about Jorge and the qualities I saw in him, they told me “If it’s right, it’s right”. My grandpa did have an initial negative reaction toward our relationship, but after getting to know Jorge, he supported our decision to be together.

I had friends that were not as supportive. Nobody directly expressed disapproval to me. Their disagreement with my choice to date outside my race and culture was subtle, and I was very hurt by it. One day, my roommates and I were engaging in “girl talk”. I said something about Jorge being good looking, and one roommate shot back “he’s attractive for a Bolivian man“. As if a Bolivian man must be qualified as such before being found to be attractive. Other times, I recall friends trying to talk me out of the relationship, for no good reason. One friend suggested to me that I was only dating him to prove that I wasn’t a racist. Give me a break.

In the beginning of our relationship, the disapproval of others had a huge impact on me. I worried about our future in terms of society and the way we would be viewed by others if we were married. I imagined that we would be excluded from groups I would normally be included in. We broke up a few times because of my insecurities and fears along these lines.

As time passed, I became more comfortable with our relationship regardless of the opinions of others. The turning point for me was when I finally allowed myself to listen to my inner voice …to really hear what my intuition was telling me… that this relationship was something good for me, that I needed to listen to my heart instead of those around me, that it was time for me to follow my hope and faith instead of my fear.

After I had this experience, my skin grew much thicker. I was no longer influenced by the negative opinions of others. I did, and still do, chalk it up to ignorance on their part. The more confident I became, the less negativity I noticed. I don’t know if this is because it disappeared, or because it just no longer affected me the same way. Either way, life got much easier for me at this point.

Cause(s) of Disapproval

If people close to you are against your relationship, explore their concerns to see if it really is the culture/race issue they are opposed to. Unless your family and friends are extremely dysfunctional, they express concern because they love and care about you. It is possible they are seeing something you don’t, that has nothing to do with the race/cultural issues at all. If something else is wrong between you and your partner, don’t stand behind culture/race as an excuse for ignoring the other issues.

If race/culture truly is the fundamental reason you are experiencing disapproval from others, it may help to be aware aware where those feelings most likely stem from. Below are some of the reasons others may be critical of your interracial relationship.

1. Negative Stereotypes: We have all been guilty at times of buying into stereotypes. I have done it myself… when Jorge came to pick me up for our first date, I was expecting him to arrive in some kind of pimped up low rider, with the base pounding (in my area, this is a stereotype of Mexicans. My husband is not Mexican, but I lumped him into the category). Imagine my surprise when he drove up in a conservative Sport Utility Vehicle.

One current hot topic in the U.S. is immigration. If you or your partner is an immigrant to the U.S., and you haven’t already had people say things to you about the Green Card issue (that is, they assume that you are in this relationship just so that one of you can become a legal U.S. resident), you most likely will.

Be patient with the people around you. Realize that they may be wrong, but with time and patience, their views will often change about your partner as they get to know him/her. This change often happens as they see you are both committed to the relationship, and as they witness your happiness and success. One couple shares their experience that illustrates this point:

“After the first couple of years, once our families knew we were in love and were happily committed to each other, they grew to respect and appreciate our relationship. Now, they are entirely supportive, as far as we can tell. I think that familiarity has helped break down the pre-conceived notions our families had about each other. We have no children, but if we choose to in the future, I think they will have 2 sets of very happy grandparents! You just have to be true to yourself, follow your heart, and work together as a team if you face obstacles”. (Click here for more real life interracial couple experiences),

You also need to realize, and accept, that you will always run into people who stereotype you and your partner. You must be able to live with this and be OK with it if your relationship is going to last.

2. Racism/Prejudice:

Racism can be defined as a belief or ideology that all members of each race possess characteristics or abilities specific to that race, especially to distinguish it as being either superior or inferior to another race or races (Oxford English Dictionary).

Prejudice is a product of racism, and can be defined as: Interpersonal hostility that is directed against individuals based on their membership in a minority group .

There are volumes of things that could be said about prejudice and racism, and the role they have played from a historical point of view. If you want to learn more about the history of racism as it pertains to interracial relationships, some good resources are Wikipedia, Loving Day, and Answers.com .

For the sake of this article, I will focus on my own experience with racism as part of an interracial couple (specifically was it relates to social disapproval). As I said before, society has come a long way in the past 40 years. Aside from some fanatical racial supremacy groups out there, prejudice is still alive but not the same way it used to be. At least not in my part of the world. It is very rare to hear anybody openly admit that they consider themselves superior over another race. Racism these days is much more discreet and sometimes hard to identify as such.

I have found that people of the older generations tend to have more of a racist attitude toward minorities than the younger generation. I have not only experienced this personally, but have found that many people I know in interrelationships received the most criticism from their grandparents. The world was a much different place when Grandma and Grandpa were growing up. This reflects in their attitudes toward people of other races, cultures, etc. Sometimes their attitudes change with time, but sometimes they don’t.

This is not to say that older people are always racist, or that young people are never prejudice. But it may be helpful for you to know that it is pretty normal to run against a wall regarding prejudice with the older members of your family.

Just as I said earlier about stereotypes, you need to accept that you will encounter prejudice from others toward your relationship. In some way you must find a way to deal with it so it does not have a negative effect on you or your relationship.

3. Marriage Squeeze

The marriage squeeze refers to the belief that the most eligible and desirable African American men are marrying non-African American women, leaving those African American women who wish to marry African American men with fewer partnering options. Obviously, if African American women are feeling this way, they are going to be upset to see African-American men marrying white (or other race) women. If you are in a relationship with an African American man, and you are not African American, this could be a major source of disapproval from other African American’s (see Wikipedia for further explanation).

Although I have not personally experienced issues related to the concept of “marriage squeeze” in my own relationship, it is worth mentioning as a reason for disapproval of interracial marriage in some cases. I have heard others talk about it, and especially among African American women, it seems to be a hot topic.

4. Genuine and Legitimate Concern:

As mentioned earlier, the people close to you generally express concern because they love and care about you. Rarely do they set out to make your life harder than it already is.

When you are in love it is easy to become blind to reality. Your parents and friends may be able to see clearly that being in an interracial/cultural relationship will include difficulties that you are not anticipating. Guess what… usually they are right! There are things you will deal with in your life together that others don’t have to worry about.

It would probably be useful in getting more support from them if you took off your rose colored glasses (for a minute at least) to acknowledge the truth… that your relationship will have some issues that may be hard to live with. Again, it comes down to being aware of what you are getting into. It is about being able and willing to deal with the challenges that lie ahead. If your parents are having heartburn about your relationship, show them that you are educating yourself and preparing in every way you can to be successful. This may not alleviate all of their stress and negativity, but it can go a long way in showing them you are an adult, and that you are mature enough to make this kind of decision for yourself.

Finding Peace Through Following Your Intuition

I cannot stress enough about the value of tapping into your intuition as a way to be able to handle the disapproval of others. If you are at peace with yourself and your decisions, it is much easier to let the criticism of others take its proper place. It is difficult to be at war with yourself and at the same time, at war with the world. In interracial/cultural relationships, it is especially important that you be 100% sure about how you feel. It will be so much easier for you to accept that others disagree with you, and be OK with it.

Conclusion

When you find somebody you love, and want to share your life with, criticism and disapproval from others about your relationship can be very upsetting. As an interracial/intercultural couple, you are most likely going to experience this. Knowing the reasons behind the disapproval is empowering and enables you to deal with it in an appropriate way. Tuning into and following your intuition is the most important step you can take toward being confident in the decisions you are making, and therefore, being able to handle the disapproval of others.

If you have any personal experiences or insights to share about the topic discussed in this article, please leave comments!

As always, be sure to check back soon for article #4 in this series: Food and Other Basic Cultural Differences.

For all you loyal solution focused readers, don’t worry about the new name… the new site will still be as solution focused as ever! The decision to change the name was made with long term goals in mind. Plain Advice is a much shorter, easier to remember name. Although solutionfocusedblogger.com is also a great name, a lot of people looked blank when we would say it out loud to them. Hmmmm, wonder why.

If you forget the new name and keep coming back to this domain, don’t worry, we will redirect you to the new one. Oh yeah, and be sure to let us know what you think about the new orange theme!

Thanks for stopping by! Can’t wait to see you at Plain Advice!

Communication Issues

Good communication is essential to any ongoing, functional relationship. For a couple with cultural, and especially native language differences, effective communication is generally more challenging than it would be if you had similar backgrounds.

It is important that you realize you will have to work harder at this aspect of your marriage than people in like-cultured unions. Here are some strategies for achieving more effective communication across cultural/language barriers:

1- Don’t discuss important matters by phone (if there are native language differences). Misunderstandings happen much more frequently over the telephone than they do in person; body language and other cues are not there to assist you in interpreting what the other person is saying. This is not to say that you should never communicate via phone… that would be ridiculous. It is to say that if you really need to discuss an important topic, it may be better to have your conversation in person.

2. Be open and willing to tell your partner if you are not understanding what he/she is trying to say. I cannot tell you how many times problems have come up in my marriage because we haven’t done this. In those situations, if one or both of us had been more assertive and asked for clarification, we could have avoided huge misunderstandings. Good communciation techniques , such as restating what you heard, can be very helpful here.

3. Lose the knee jerk reactions. There have been many times my husband and I have become extremely offended by each other, and in the end, it really all boiled down to cultural/language differences. Words hold different weight and meaning inside different cultures and languages. If your partner says something that is deeply offensive to you, it is important to understand the intent of the comment. It is also important to understand the meaning within the context of their culture. It requires self control and discipline to step back when you have been offended to sort these things out, instead of giving in to your instant reaction.

4. Don’t play stupid when it comes to language differences. Don’t try to get out of doing something by pretending you did not understand your partner. This is highly annoying and will not be appreciated when your significant other catches on to your deceit!

As stated in #3, if you truly do not understand what your partner is saying, be honest, and communicate about it. Don’t use language issues to manipulate the situation.

5. Learn as much as you can about the native language of your partner. Learn to speak the language if you have the opportunity. I feel somewhat hypocritical making this suggestion, as I have been married for 6 years and still don’t speak Spanish fluently. I am familiar with many words and phrases. I have spent enough time listening to my husband speak spanish to others that I am often able to understand what he is talking about. But I have not yet taken the time or made the effort to actually become fluent in the language. This is a future goal of mine.

6. Learn as much as you can about the cultural context of language pertaining to your partner. Understand that words embedded in the culture of one country often have no precise equivalents in the language of another.

The anthropologist Edward Hall points out: “No two languages are alike; some are so dissimilar that they force the speaker into two different images of reality.” For an American, the word “lunch” may suggest a ham and cheese sandwich and a diet coke, while for a Russian, “obed” points to a salad, soup, meat, fried potatoes, and dessert. It takes a knowledge of both language and culture to provide an accurate reflection of the true meaning behind the words.

As the Japanese say, you have to understand not only the words, but also the silence between them (obtained from Russian=English Translating Services).

6. If you do not speak the same native language, the way you likely communicate is because you or your partner has learned the native language of the other. In my case, my husband learned English (before we met), but Spanish is native to him. He has a thick accent, and he makes some grammatical errors. If you or your partner learned the second language past childhood, this is probably the case for you/them as well.

It is essential that you treat your partner with dignity. This is especially true when he/she doesn’t speak your common language perfectly. It is important to establish guidelines that you both feel comfortable with when it comes to correcting your partner. This is a highly sensitive issue that requires intuition and good timing. You should always aim to treat your spouse with the highest degree of respect, and never humiliate because of language difficulties.

Conclusion:

Effective communication is essential to any ongoing, functional relationship, regardless of race or culture. As a couple with cultural, and especially native language differences, communication issues will generally present unique challenges to your relationship. Being aware of this and taking steps to reduce the negative impact is essential in building a successful relationship.

The information given in this article is not exhaustive. Please feel free to leave comments with your own experience and advice on this topic.

Don’t forget to check back soon for Part #3 of this series: “Disapproval of Others”.

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*Just a note that I use the words “relationship” and “marriage” interchangeably. This works within my paradigm, but you can replace the word marriage with relationship where applicable if marriage is not part of the picture for you.

All relationships come with problems. The nature of those unpleasant realities are diverse and unique to each couple. Interracial/cultural marriages have some issues that directly and indirectly arise because of the racial and cultural differences.

If you are like me, you did not go out and plan to get involved with someone of a different racial and/or cultural background. I didn’t even consider dating my husband at first, because I didn’t envision having a long term relationship with somebody who seemed so different from myself. Finally, because of his persistence, I decided to go on a date with him just so he would stop bugging me. During that date, I started to like him, and the rest is history.

If you are currently in a relationship with someone of a different racial and/or cultural background, this series is geared to help you educate yourself regarding special issues you may face. Before you decide to make a long term commitment in such a relationship, it is important that you are aware of the issues that may come along with it. With that awareness, it is important that you accept these challenges with a willingness and commitment to deal with them. If you are not willing to accept these issues into your life, perhaps you are in the wrong relationship.

The Interracial/Intercultural Marriage Series is designed to educate you and give you the tools to be successful in your relationship. This information will be given in a series of articles. Some of the issues that will be addressed are:

• Communication
• Social Disapproval
• Food and Other Basic Cultural Differences
• Cultural Values
• Traditions
• Issues regarding children
• Humor

Each of these topics will have an article that will be posted throughout the next couple of weeks… Make sure to come back soon!

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*Just a note that I use the words “relationship” and “marriage” interchangeably. This works within my paradigm, but you can replace the word marriage with relationship where applicable if marriage is not part of the picture for you.

I stepped on the scale and I was UP 1.6 lbs! I was actually in shock and didn’t say much for a few minutes. I went into the meeting and got really tired and feeling discouraged. I felt a little scared, too, because I know myself. I know that when I don’t get the results I want, I tend to rebel against the goal I have set out to accomplish. I don’t want to go there this time. My objective right now is to remain conscious of this pattern, and not let myself slide because of today’s disappointment.

The leader said something that motivated me during the meeting (once the shock started to wear off). She said (to the group) “if you will be patient and persistent, I guarantee that the weight will come off”. That will be my mantra for right now…

Really, patience and persistence are very important to any lofty goal we try to reach. Relationships, finances, career, weight loss, parenting, personal development, … patience and persistence are very powerful forces that will eventually get the job done. Big changes don’t happen overnight, and sometimes, despite our best efforts, they are not entirely in our control. Giving up because the results aren’t coming in the way (or speed) I planned will do no good for me. It will only divert me from what I really want.

So here I am, 1.6 lbs heavier, but I am going to keep plugging away, and hopefully next week will be better!

Thanks for stopping by! Come back soon…

The therapist should be licensed, or an intern/resident under the supervision of a professional licensed in the same field. All of the therapists listed below can provide individual, marriage, family and group therapies.

Psychiatrist – This is a medical doctor with additional, specialized training in psychiatry. About one-third are Board Certified. Psychiatrists can prescribe medications, and may also provide psychotherapy (”talk therapy”), although this would be an expensive source. A psychiatrist or other medical doctor should be seen, in addition to a therapist, for severe symptoms of depression, psychosis (hallucinations and delusions), or manic symptoms.

Psychologist – Ph.D. in Psychology. Although called by the title, “Doctor,” they cannot prescribe medication. Psychologists also administer psychological tests.

Licensed Clinical Social Workers (LCSW) – Master’s Degree in Social Work with an additional two years of supervised experience.

Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT) – Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy with an additional two years of supervised experience.

Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) – Master’s Degree in Psychology with an additional two years of supervised experience.

INITIAL QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER

• How much can I afford per month (there are resources for reduced rates with some agencies)?
• What does my insurance cover, and are there limits to the number of visits per year?
• What is my co-pay (the amount you must pay in addition to what your insurance pays)?
• Does my insurance have a list of approved providers?
• Is the therapist licensed?
• How much experience does s/he have?
• Do I need individual, marriage or family therapy?
• Would I prefer a male or female therapist?
• If the person needing help is a child, does the therapist have experience working with children?
• Do I need a therapist with specialized experience (i.e. sexual abuse, domestic violence, etc.)?
• Is the age, religion, ethnicity, or other attribute of the therapist important to me?
• Is there someone I trust that could recommend a good therapist?
• Am I ready to make a commitment to work hard in self-evaluation and improvement?

QUESTIONS AFTER THE FIRST SESSION

• Did I feel the therapist gained a basic understanding of the issues important to me?
• Is the therapist someone with whom I can trust my most private thoughts and feelings?
• Did I feel respected by the therapist?
• Does the therapist have time to meet with me regularly (usually weekly initially)?
• Was I included in the formulation of the therapy plan, including length of treatment and diagnosis?

A GOOD THERAPIST WILL NEVER…

• Talk freely to others of your private information.
• Engage in sexual behavior of any kind with a current or former client.
• Enter business transactions outside of therapy with a current or former client.
• Get involved socially with current or former clients.
• Accept large gifts from current or former clients.
• Take phone calls during sessions.
• Provide treatment for family and friends.

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*This information was obtained from the Wasatch Mental Health website.

As I went along, I suddenly came along a pile of crap. Literally. Horse crap, I believe. Stinky, smelly, swarming. I tried to ignore it, but couldn’t entirely forget its existence, as I ran around it.

I got back into my rhythm of running, and enjoying my exercise. I was thinking about my plans for the day, making mental lists of things I wanted to get done. I was lost in thought. I went around a corner, and boom, there it was again! And again, again!

OK, so the horse poop I ran across today did not ruin my day, my morning, or even my run. It was a little gross (OK, a lot), but it did get me thinking (as so many things do)

The trail I run on is one that I have been on quite a bit. I know that horses also frequent the trail. Rarely do I run into big piles of poop. Hmmm, I wonder why? I assume that all the horses poop as they go along the trail.

The conclusion I must draw is that most horse owners clean up poop as they go. Today or yesterday, somebody did not take responsibility to clean up after themselves.

One of the huge aspects of taking responsibility is that you clean up the messes you make. You don’t leave them for others to deal with.

This reminds me of something else that happened a few days ago. I was sitting at a stoplight, and all of a sudden my car jolted forward. I had been rear-ended! The light quickly turned green, so I turned left. There was a lot of traffic and it was quite difficult to pull over to the right and get off the road to examine my vehicle. I was also trying to keep my eye on the offending car. I could see it would be easy for them to get lost in the traffic and avoid talking to me.

Happily, the other driver did not try to disappear. She went through the traffic maze to get over to where I had pulled over. She apologized profusely and examined my car with me. I determined that she had only hit my bumper, and my car had not been damaged. She again apologized. She took responsibility for what had happened, and I appreciated that.

So which type of person are you? Do you make messes and then just hope that someone else will fix them for you? Or do you have the integrity to take on the sometimes unpleasant task required to fix the problem?

Today you will undoubtedly create some type of mess. Be responsible… clean it up!