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Introduction

One of the most difficult things an interracial/intercultural couple may face, especially early in the relationship, is disapproval from others. When you are dating and falling in love with somebody, it can be upsetting when others don’t share in your joy. Although society has come a long way in the past 40 years (interracial marriage was illegal in the U.S. until 1967), interracial and intercultural couples still run into social disapproval today. It tends to be more subtle, but obvious to those who are experiencing it. If your goal is to build a long term interracial/intercultural relationship you must learn to deal appropriately with the controversey and criticism surrounding your relationship.

My story

I consider myself to be pretty lucky in regards to this issue. For the most part, I have always had the support of my family regarding my relationship with Jorge. I was nervous to tell my parents that I was dating him. I didn’t need to be… after telling them about Jorge and the qualities I saw in him, they told me “If it’s right, it’s right”. My grandpa did have an initial negative reaction toward our relationship, but after getting to know Jorge, he supported our decision to be together.

I had friends that were not as supportive. Nobody directly expressed disapproval to me. Their disagreement with my choice to date outside my race and culture was subtle, and I was very hurt by it. One day, my roommates and I were engaging in “girl talk”. I said something about Jorge being good looking, and one roommate shot back “he’s attractive for a Bolivian man“. As if a Bolivian man must be qualified as such before being found to be attractive. Other times, I recall friends trying to talk me out of the relationship, for no good reason. One friend suggested to me that I was only dating him to prove that I wasn’t a racist. Give me a break.

In the beginning of our relationship, the disapproval of others had a huge impact on me. I worried about our future in terms of society and the way we would be viewed by others if we were married. I imagined that we would be excluded from groups I would normally be included in. We broke up a few times because of my insecurities and fears along these lines.

As time passed, I became more comfortable with our relationship regardless of the opinions of others. The turning point for me was when I finally allowed myself to listen to my inner voice …to really hear what my intuition was telling me… that this relationship was something good for me, that I needed to listen to my heart instead of those around me, that it was time for me to follow my hope and faith instead of my fear.

After I had this experience, my skin grew much thicker. I was no longer influenced by the negative opinions of others. I did, and still do, chalk it up to ignorance on their part. The more confident I became, the less negativity I noticed. I don’t know if this is because it disappeared, or because it just no longer affected me the same way. Either way, life got much easier for me at this point.

Cause(s) of Disapproval

If people close to you are against your relationship, explore their concerns to see if it really is the culture/race issue they are opposed to. Unless your family and friends are extremely dysfunctional, they express concern because they love and care about you. It is possible they are seeing something you don’t, that has nothing to do with the race/cultural issues at all. If something else is wrong between you and your partner, don’t stand behind culture/race as an excuse for ignoring the other issues.

If race/culture truly is the fundamental reason you are experiencing disapproval from others, it may help to be aware aware where those feelings most likely stem from. Below are some of the reasons others may be critical of your interracial relationship.

1. Negative Stereotypes: We have all been guilty at times of buying into stereotypes. I have done it myself… when Jorge came to pick me up for our first date, I was expecting him to arrive in some kind of pimped up low rider, with the base pounding (in my area, this is a stereotype of Mexicans. My husband is not Mexican, but I lumped him into the category). Imagine my surprise when he drove up in a conservative Sport Utility Vehicle.

One current hot topic in the U.S. is immigration. If you or your partner is an immigrant to the U.S., and you haven’t already had people say things to you about the Green Card issue (that is, they assume that you are in this relationship just so that one of you can become a legal U.S. resident), you most likely will.

Be patient with the people around you. Realize that they may be wrong, but with time and patience, their views will often change about your partner as they get to know him/her. This change often happens as they see you are both committed to the relationship, and as they witness your happiness and success. One couple shares their experience that illustrates this point:

“After the first couple of years, once our families knew we were in love and were happily committed to each other, they grew to respect and appreciate our relationship. Now, they are entirely supportive, as far as we can tell. I think that familiarity has helped break down the pre-conceived notions our families had about each other. We have no children, but if we choose to in the future, I think they will have 2 sets of very happy grandparents! You just have to be true to yourself, follow your heart, and work together as a team if you face obstacles”. (Click here for more real life interracial couple experiences),

You also need to realize, and accept, that you will always run into people who stereotype you and your partner. You must be able to live with this and be OK with it if your relationship is going to last.

2. Racism/Prejudice:

Racism can be defined as a belief or ideology that all members of each race possess characteristics or abilities specific to that race, especially to distinguish it as being either superior or inferior to another race or races (Oxford English Dictionary).

Prejudice is a product of racism, and can be defined as: Interpersonal hostility that is directed against individuals based on their membership in a minority group .

There are volumes of things that could be said about prejudice and racism, and the role they have played from a historical point of view. If you want to learn more about the history of racism as it pertains to interracial relationships, some good resources are Wikipedia, Loving Day, and Answers.com .

For the sake of this article, I will focus on my own experience with racism as part of an interracial couple (specifically was it relates to social disapproval). As I said before, society has come a long way in the past 40 years. Aside from some fanatical racial supremacy groups out there, prejudice is still alive but not the same way it used to be. At least not in my part of the world. It is very rare to hear anybody openly admit that they consider themselves superior over another race. Racism these days is much more discreet and sometimes hard to identify as such.

I have found that people of the older generations tend to have more of a racist attitude toward minorities than the younger generation. I have not only experienced this personally, but have found that many people I know in interrelationships received the most criticism from their grandparents. The world was a much different place when Grandma and Grandpa were growing up. This reflects in their attitudes toward people of other races, cultures, etc. Sometimes their attitudes change with time, but sometimes they don’t.

This is not to say that older people are always racist, or that young people are never prejudice. But it may be helpful for you to know that it is pretty normal to run against a wall regarding prejudice with the older members of your family.

Just as I said earlier about stereotypes, you need to accept that you will encounter prejudice from others toward your relationship. In some way you must find a way to deal with it so it does not have a negative effect on you or your relationship.

3. Marriage Squeeze

The marriage squeeze refers to the belief that the most eligible and desirable African American men are marrying non-African American women, leaving those African American women who wish to marry African American men with fewer partnering options. Obviously, if African American women are feeling this way, they are going to be upset to see African-American men marrying white (or other race) women. If you are in a relationship with an African American man, and you are not African American, this could be a major source of disapproval from other African American’s (see Wikipedia for further explanation).

Although I have not personally experienced issues related to the concept of “marriage squeeze” in my own relationship, it is worth mentioning as a reason for disapproval of interracial marriage in some cases. I have heard others talk about it, and especially among African American women, it seems to be a hot topic.

4. Genuine and Legitimate Concern:

As mentioned earlier, the people close to you generally express concern because they love and care about you. Rarely do they set out to make your life harder than it already is.

When you are in love it is easy to become blind to reality. Your parents and friends may be able to see clearly that being in an interracial/cultural relationship will include difficulties that you are not anticipating. Guess what… usually they are right! There are things you will deal with in your life together that others don’t have to worry about.

It would probably be useful in getting more support from them if you took off your rose colored glasses (for a minute at least) to acknowledge the truth… that your relationship will have some issues that may be hard to live with. Again, it comes down to being aware of what you are getting into. It is about being able and willing to deal with the challenges that lie ahead. If your parents are having heartburn about your relationship, show them that you are educating yourself and preparing in every way you can to be successful. This may not alleviate all of their stress and negativity, but it can go a long way in showing them you are an adult, and that you are mature enough to make this kind of decision for yourself.

Finding Peace Through Following Your Intuition

I cannot stress enough about the value of tapping into your intuition as a way to be able to handle the disapproval of others. If you are at peace with yourself and your decisions, it is much easier to let the criticism of others take its proper place. It is difficult to be at war with yourself and at the same time, at war with the world. In interracial/cultural relationships, it is especially important that you be 100% sure about how you feel. It will be so much easier for you to accept that others disagree with you, and be OK with it.

Conclusion

When you find somebody you love, and want to share your life with, criticism and disapproval from others about your relationship can be very upsetting. As an interracial/intercultural couple, you are most likely going to experience this. Knowing the reasons behind the disapproval is empowering and enables you to deal with it in an appropriate way. Tuning into and following your intuition is the most important step you can take toward being confident in the decisions you are making, and therefore, being able to handle the disapproval of others.

If you have any personal experiences or insights to share about the topic discussed in this article, please leave comments!

As always, be sure to check back soon for article #4 in this series: Food and Other Basic Cultural Differences.