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In the last post, “A Routine Shall Set You Free”, I mentioned how I prefer not to deal with today’s dirty dishes tomorrow morning (who does?) This one little statement got me thinking:

One of the major causes of burnout in any area of life is constantly working today to clean up the messes you created yesterday .

Keep in mind that the dish thing, while true, is really just a symbol of some much deeper issues. Because it is so simple to understand though, it will be referenced throughout this article.

First of all, lets define burnout. In searching through several dictionaries, the following seems to capture what each of them say;

Burnout; exhaustion of physical or emotional strength or motivation usually as a result of prolonged stress or frustration (Merriam-Webster).

Throughout the various definitions, prolonged stress is consistently referenced as the cause of burnout. So, what is it that cause the “prolonged stress”?

There are many origins for ongoing stress; relationship issues, prolonged illness of self or a loved one, trying to fulfill unrealistic expectations… etc. As a social worker, I have seen many co-workers (myself included) experience burnout; the work is too emotionally draining, not enough time and resources for all that needs to be done (unrealistic expectations), and lack of appropriate boundaries.

And then there is consistent procrastination and the consequences it brings with it.

An extreme example is the case of a long term drug user, who finally decides to enter recovery. The difficulty is two pronged. One side is managing the addiction itself, both physically and psychologically. The other part, which is often the most challenging, is that the person in recovery now has to deal with all the messes he or she created, and effectively avoided by using the drugs. Relationships, physical health, finances, legal issues, etc. are all common messes that the individual now has to face.

Another example is the person who is always in financial crisis. My own credit issues of the past were in large part created due to procrastination… I was not dealing with things when they needed to be handled. As time passed, I found myself living with more and more stress as I was constantly trying to put out financial fires. I would then become burned out from dealing with the crises, and take a break from thinking about it, only to procrastinate more of the things needing to be done. This cycle repeated over and over… All of this would have been avoided had I dealt with my debts as I created them.

If you are suffering from burnout, take a look and see if you are constantly “living in the past”. Are you always trying to clean up your messes from yesterday? What causes long term stress more than constantly putting out fires from the days, weeks, and years before today?

Unlike many of the other cited causes of prolonged stress, this is one you actually have control over.

How would it feel to be working on today’s messes today? How would it be to wake up tomorrow with a clean slate, without feeling dragged down by the messes you created in the past?

Living creates messes, and that’s inevitable. Clean them up as you go. Pretending they don’t exist only makes them get bigger. Pretending there are no dirty dishes after dinner will never make them go away. And the next time you eat and pretend they aren’t there, the pile will only get bigger.

Do yourself a favor… wash your dishes soon after using them. Remember to clean up all your other messes as you go. You’ll be glad you did.

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This past weekend, I went on vacation to a beautiful lake town a few hours away from home. My brother and his wife brought their boat. I was looking forward to taking a boat ride or two, but nothing more exciting than that. So you can imagine my surprise when I found myself strapping on a life jacket, jumping into the water, and strapping the bindings of a wake board on my feet! I have never successfully water skied, and have only been snow skiing once. I was very nervous, but watching my brother and sister-in-law surfing behind the boat looked so cool. I just had to try it.

My first try was a complete disaster. My instructors (aka my brother, brother-in-law and sister-in-law) had told me what to expect, and what to do, but I had no idea what that really meant until I was holding the rope and the boat jerked forward. I let go of the rope and the wake board flew under me, pulling me face down in the water. So I got back up, grabbed the rope, and tried again. Same thing. After a few times of this happening, I started to realize that I needed to position myself slightly different to accommodate the dynamics of the water, wake board, and my body. I started to make progress (according to the experts who were watching me), but still, no cool surfing behind the boat! Each time I would get a little closer and realize something else I was doing wrong. By about the 10th or so try, I finally was able to get up for about for about a split second. By that time I was exhausted and decided I would have to come back another day for more practice.

Shortly after we came home from our vacation, my older kids decided to teach my five year old how to ride his bike sans training wheels. He was terrified but worked up his courage to try. As I watched him go back and forth on the sidewalk, with his sisters running beside him, I thought again about the importance of experiencing “failure” as a way to learn. He fell a few times, and each time, his siblings explained to him the best way to fall, how to prevent falling, etc. I watched my little boy learn the dynamics of a two wheel bike as he experienced falling again and again. He has not yet mastered this skill, but I have no doubt that he will with some more practice, and plenty more falls.

What is failure anyway? The dictionary defines it as “The condition or fact of not achieving the desired end”. I say that failure is just a necessary step toward ultimately achieving whatever it is we are trying to do. It sounds cliché, but there is a reason for cliché’s… usually they are true.

As illustrated by my (non) wake boarding experience, and that of my son learning to ride a two wheeler, with each failure comes a powerful opportunity to learn. There is no way to become skilled at wake boarding without actually being in the water and trying. For most people, that involves a lot of learning of what doesn’t work before finding out what does. The same goes for riding a bike. You can’t just explain to your kid how to ride a two wheeler and then away they ride into the sunset. Life is about trial and error. And then success.

In working with addicts, I have learned that relapse is a part of recovery. Why? Simply because as the addict begins to be conscious of what is going on, the relapses that happen become an amazing learning tool to them. Although they are not yet at the point of complete success, they are able to gain more insight into their problem, and how they get there each time. They are able to consciously choose to get out of that pattern and learn the small but significant ways to get where they want to go.

I find this to be an amazing principle. Looking at failure as a way to success is not just a way to lick your wounds and make yourself feel better when you are down. Evaluate any failure you are experiencing or have experienced, and see what you can glean from it. How can it help you be more successful next time? I am 100% sure you will find something valuable as you look at your failures in this way.

Please share your experiences with this principle, and offer your own insights by leaving a comment!

As always, thanks for stopping by!

We just wanted to let everybody know that we are getting a new name! Solution Focused Blogger will now be located at http://www.plainadvice.com. We are expecting that it will take a few days to move all the content over to the new site, but we are working on it.

For all you loyal solution focused readers, don’t worry about the new name… the new site will still be as solution focused as ever! The decision to change the name was made with long term goals in mind. Plain Advice is a much shorter, easier to remember name. Although solutionfocusedblogger.com is also a great name, a lot of people looked blank when we would say it out loud to them. Hmmmm, wonder why.

If you forget the new name and keep coming back to this domain, don’t worry, we will redirect you to the new one. Oh yeah, and be sure to let us know what you think about the new orange theme!

Thanks for stopping by! Can’t wait to see you at Plain Advice!

When I met my husband 10 years ago, I was a much different person than I am today. Never in all my years of growing up, did I imagine that I would marry, or even date someone like him. I’m sure glad I learned better!

I am Caucasian, born and bred in the U.S. of A. My husband is Latino, born and raised in Bolivia (It’s in South America… for all of you who aren’t so good at geography. Don’t worry, I had no idea where Bolivia was 10 years ago either).

When I met Jorge, I was attending a predominan tly white , american university, with a very conservative population. I was dating and associating with others like myself who had grown up like me and I expected that my life would follow on that path.

I had just started volunteering at a local school (this was a requirement of my social work program). The very first day there I met Jorge. I was sitting in the lobby, and he walked toward me. I observed a short, brown, well dressed, man. He stopped to talk to me, and I immediately noticed that he had a very thick accent. I was taken by surprise when, after a little small talk, he asked me on a date. I said no. Actually I am not sure I was that direct, but somehow I did decline. Dating him was just nowhere in my plans or paradigm.

Well, for the next few times I showed up at my volunteer job, I would happen to run into Jorge (later I found out this was not purely coincidence, but carefully planned)

Each time I would run into him, he would ask me out again.

After a few times of this happening and me declining his invitations, I finally gave in and said I would go out with him. On the condition that we each brought some friends. He agreed, and we set a date and time.

When Jorge came to pick me up, my friends and I were ready. We went out to the car and I was surprised to see that he was not driving a low rider with the base pumped up (yeah, I had a few stereotypes to overcome). He was driving an SUV. To illustrate just how young and naive I was, when I saw the SUV, I assumed it belonged to his parents (I had never even had my own car at that point). Nope, it was his, and I was pretty impressed. Still not thinking that this would go anywhere, but impressed.

So we went to a restaurant and while we waited to be seated, we sat on a crowded bench together. While we talked, I noticed that his breath smelled really good and his teeth were really white. I liked the things he was saying too. But I kept saying in my head “its too bad I can’t date this guy” because I realized that there were a lot of things I was liking about him.

Well, the rest is really history. By the end of that date, I had thrown my caution to the wind and decided to go out with him again. Within a few weeks, I knew I really really liked Jorge. After four years of dating, we were finally married (you will be able to read more about those four years later). At the time of this writing, we have been married for a little over 6 years ( you will undoubtedly also have access to lots of stuff that involves our years of marriage so far. Lucky you! ).

When Jorge and I started dating seriously, I was met with some resistance. My parents were really supportive, and liked him from the beginning (I am lucky to have really awesome parents). Most others in my family were also supportive, but my grandpa was not happy about us being together at all. He told me “you need to find a white man to date”, and I told him that Jorge treated me better than any white man I knew (by the way, I have absolutely nothing against the “white man”. I was just using that as a comeback at my grandpa)*. I also had some friends that said similar things to me (usually in a more politically correct way though).

In addition to the “inter-relationship”** issues that were coming up, after a few months of dating, Jorge finally mustered the courage to tell me that he was divorced and had 3 children. Well, he is lucky he waited to tell me, because by that time I already loved him, and therefore I was willing to love whatever came with him.

Although I loved Jorge and wanted to be with him, I had to go through a lot of growing up before I was able to be confident in our relationship. Going through this process was not easy. I struggled for a long time with insecurities about what others thought and how life would be for us as an interracial and intercultural couple. I had to go through a lot of shifts in my thinking to get to the point I am at today.

As a social work student, I had many opportunities to use my school required research papers to my advantage. For most of them, I chose topics that had something or another to do with my relationship. I looked everywhere I could to find out about others experiences with “inter- marriage”**. I looked for research, help, tips advice. I was usually disappointed at the lack of useful materials out there on the subject.

One of my goals with this website is to provide some informative and practical information and insight regarding inter-marriage. I also have a thing or two to say about blended families, step parenting, etc, however those topics tend to be more widely addressed already.

I predict that interracial and intercultural relationships are going to continue to become more common as the world becomes a smaller place through technological advances. I feel it is important that insight, advice and experiences be disseminated to help those marriages be more successful. I am assuming that there is more information out there today than there was 6-10 years ago, when I was really looking for it. Even so, I think I have some valuable things to add.

So there you go…. a little bit more about me and why I am here. Keep your eyes open for some follow up articles on this topic, as they are coming soon.

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*FYI… I have no hard feelings toward my grandpa. He ended up coming around and really loving Jorge once he got to know him.

**I use this term to refer to interracial and/or intercultural. In my relationship, we have both issues, but I don’t want to write the full thing out each time I refer to it.

I woke up this morning deeply troubled about the thoughts I posted last night. Whether it came across in what I wrote or not, I was feeling pretty discouraged about what, if any good has come from my work (remember, I am a social worker).

This morning, as I was in the middle of weight lifting class, I had an epiphany. Really not a new idea, just a reminder to me of what I am really all about.

It started with me thinking about my own life. My own problems that really, are pretty much the same things I have been struggling with since I can remember. Does the fact that I am once again in the gym, looking in the mirror at my overweight body mean that I don’t care about it? Does it mean that any previous accomplishments in that area are null and void, that I am a failure because of where I am today?

The instructor teaching my class is ironically the one that I started with 3 years ago. He doesn’t know me personally. At one point he knew my name, but I didn’t go for so long, I think he forgot. I wonder if he sees me, and feels the same way I do when I see one of my clients. One of the many who had supposedly resolved the problem that brought them to me, now returning, dealing with the same problem over again.

Does he get discouraged at my outward lack of progress? I’m pretty sure I am not the only person he sees like me, riding the weight roller coaster. Does he feel like giving up on helping people become healthy? Does he think “that girl keeps coming back fat!!! She must not care! I have not done her a bit of good!” ?

I don’t think so. I imagine that first of all, he keeps doing what he is doing because working out directly benefits him. He has his own personal rewards with his own health just from being up there exercising his own muscles.

Secondly, I hope that he would look at me, giving me the benefit of the doubt. I would like to tell him my story about how, after I lost almost 50 lbs in part because of his help before, I got pregnant and put the weight back on. I hope that he would have a positive regard toward me and think of me as a success because I am back. And even though I may appear to be in the same shoes I was 3 years ago, I am not.

Because of what I went through before , I am different. Even if people can’t see it on the outside, it doesn’t mean that I am the same. I know things and feel things and see things because of the success I had before. I am more confident that I can do it again. I want to do it again because I know how wonderful it feels to be healthy.

Life is not a destination. It is a process, and at any given moment in that process, we are all failing at one thing or another. But that doesn’t matter. What matters is the direction we travel on, and the growth we experience along the way. Even if it is slow, even if it is so small that others can’t see it, moving forward is success.

My work contributes to my own success in life because what I do directly benefits my own personal growth. I learn from and am challenged all the time by the problems I try to help people solve. Meeting challenges equals growth for me. Whether or not they make the effort to fix their own life, just the fact that I am helping them benefits me. It gives me more awareness, insight, and refines me into a better person.

Secondly, if the people I work with are changed inside at all throughout our interactions then something worthwhile has happened. Even if a seed is planted inside of them of hope for a better life, that is success. Who knows when the seed will take root and actually start to grow.

Therefore, here I am, once again an optimist…

One thing I am coming to accept is that although there are solutions to all problems, some people just don’t care. Most people will say they want to have a better life, but only a handful are actually willing to do what it takes to get there. Which type of person are you?

I am a social worker and I don’t doubt at all that I was made to work in this capacity. The goals and philosophies of my work resonate deeply in my soul. Engaging with people comes very naturally to me. I have won some awards and been recognized in other ways that have given me validation that others can see the contribution I make. The highest compliments have come directly from my clients.

At times, though, I get pretty frustrated. No matter what I do, so many of the people I try to help fail miserably. Too often the changes they make are just temporary, and as soon as they are off the hook of being monitored and scrutinized, they are right back to square one. Whether it is drugs, bad relationships, mental health issues, financial crisis, anger….

Why? Why are these people so stuck?

My first reaction is to blame myself. There must be something more I could have done to ensure their success. And maybe there is. I know I screw up. Sometimes things slip through the cracks. I am terrible at keeping track of all the paperwork that is required by the government. I constantly struggle to balance the endless needs of the people I work for vs my own wants and needs.

But thinking that my role is so critical to the success or failure of others is really egocentric on my part. In reality, I don’t have much to do with their successes or failures at all. Just as I am completely responsible to make my life what it is, so are they. I may be able to provide instruments that help them reach up to a better life, but an instrument doesn’t work unless you pick it up and actually use it.

Actually, I think many people are comfortable with their dysfunction. It is a culture they live in and migrate back to without someone prodding them in the other direction. Migrating to a comfort zone is not a phenomenon that is isolated to the part of society that receives social services. It is the natural tendency of everyone. I know that I tend to migrate toward my comfort zones. Luckily, I was raised in a functional family with functional role models, so I tend to migrate toward a more functional way of life. But what about those who have never had a functional comfort zone?

Am I overgeneralizing? Of course. There are always exceptions. I have seen some of my clients make real changes in their lives, and stick to them. But these experiences seem to be few and far between.

Honestly, I am burned out from working with people who have such a high rate of failure. It is actually quite uncommon for someone to work on the frontlines of social work for as long as I have (8 years). Most people move up into administrative positions, where they are no longer directly exposed to these issues I speak of, or they go back to school to become therapists. Some change their career path completely. Maybe I should consider one of these options.

I want to contribute in ways that brought me to social work in the first place… like I said, the goals and philosophies of my work resonate deeply in me. Maybe I just need to shift my paradigm toward what I do, and measure my success differently. I am not sure.

While this post may not sound very “solution focused”, really, I am writing it mostly to help me find a solution.

If I cannot change others, I can change myself. If my talents are not being utilized by the people around me, there must be ways that I can put myself in a position to contribute in a more impactful way? How can I find more satisfaction with the results of my work? I want to give people hope and real help to reach higher. I want to reach people who want to change, who are motivated to do whatever it takes.