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Introduction

One of the most difficult things an interracial/intercultural couple may face, especially early in the relationship, is disapproval from others. When you are dating and falling in love with somebody, it can be upsetting when others don’t share in your joy. Although society has come a long way in the past 40 years (interracial marriage was illegal in the U.S. until 1967), interracial and intercultural couples still run into social disapproval today. It tends to be more subtle, but obvious to those who are experiencing it. If your goal is to build a long term interracial/intercultural relationship you must learn to deal appropriately with the controversey and criticism surrounding your relationship.

My story

I consider myself to be pretty lucky in regards to this issue. For the most part, I have always had the support of my family regarding my relationship with Jorge. I was nervous to tell my parents that I was dating him. I didn’t need to be… after telling them about Jorge and the qualities I saw in him, they told me “If it’s right, it’s right”. My grandpa did have an initial negative reaction toward our relationship, but after getting to know Jorge, he supported our decision to be together.

I had friends that were not as supportive. Nobody directly expressed disapproval to me. Their disagreement with my choice to date outside my race and culture was subtle, and I was very hurt by it. One day, my roommates and I were engaging in “girl talk”. I said something about Jorge being good looking, and one roommate shot back “he’s attractive for a Bolivian man“. As if a Bolivian man must be qualified as such before being found to be attractive. Other times, I recall friends trying to talk me out of the relationship, for no good reason. One friend suggested to me that I was only dating him to prove that I wasn’t a racist. Give me a break.

In the beginning of our relationship, the disapproval of others had a huge impact on me. I worried about our future in terms of society and the way we would be viewed by others if we were married. I imagined that we would be excluded from groups I would normally be included in. We broke up a few times because of my insecurities and fears along these lines.

As time passed, I became more comfortable with our relationship regardless of the opinions of others. The turning point for me was when I finally allowed myself to listen to my inner voice …to really hear what my intuition was telling me… that this relationship was something good for me, that I needed to listen to my heart instead of those around me, that it was time for me to follow my hope and faith instead of my fear.

After I had this experience, my skin grew much thicker. I was no longer influenced by the negative opinions of others. I did, and still do, chalk it up to ignorance on their part. The more confident I became, the less negativity I noticed. I don’t know if this is because it disappeared, or because it just no longer affected me the same way. Either way, life got much easier for me at this point.

Cause(s) of Disapproval

If people close to you are against your relationship, explore their concerns to see if it really is the culture/race issue they are opposed to. Unless your family and friends are extremely dysfunctional, they express concern because they love and care about you. It is possible they are seeing something you don’t, that has nothing to do with the race/cultural issues at all. If something else is wrong between you and your partner, don’t stand behind culture/race as an excuse for ignoring the other issues.

If race/culture truly is the fundamental reason you are experiencing disapproval from others, it may help to be aware aware where those feelings most likely stem from. Below are some of the reasons others may be critical of your interracial relationship.

1. Negative Stereotypes: We have all been guilty at times of buying into stereotypes. I have done it myself… when Jorge came to pick me up for our first date, I was expecting him to arrive in some kind of pimped up low rider, with the base pounding (in my area, this is a stereotype of Mexicans. My husband is not Mexican, but I lumped him into the category). Imagine my surprise when he drove up in a conservative Sport Utility Vehicle.

One current hot topic in the U.S. is immigration. If you or your partner is an immigrant to the U.S., and you haven’t already had people say things to you about the Green Card issue (that is, they assume that you are in this relationship just so that one of you can become a legal U.S. resident), you most likely will.

Be patient with the people around you. Realize that they may be wrong, but with time and patience, their views will often change about your partner as they get to know him/her. This change often happens as they see you are both committed to the relationship, and as they witness your happiness and success. One couple shares their experience that illustrates this point:

“After the first couple of years, once our families knew we were in love and were happily committed to each other, they grew to respect and appreciate our relationship. Now, they are entirely supportive, as far as we can tell. I think that familiarity has helped break down the pre-conceived notions our families had about each other. We have no children, but if we choose to in the future, I think they will have 2 sets of very happy grandparents! You just have to be true to yourself, follow your heart, and work together as a team if you face obstacles”. (Click here for more real life interracial couple experiences),

You also need to realize, and accept, that you will always run into people who stereotype you and your partner. You must be able to live with this and be OK with it if your relationship is going to last.

2. Racism/Prejudice:

Racism can be defined as a belief or ideology that all members of each race possess characteristics or abilities specific to that race, especially to distinguish it as being either superior or inferior to another race or races (Oxford English Dictionary).

Prejudice is a product of racism, and can be defined as: Interpersonal hostility that is directed against individuals based on their membership in a minority group .

There are volumes of things that could be said about prejudice and racism, and the role they have played from a historical point of view. If you want to learn more about the history of racism as it pertains to interracial relationships, some good resources are Wikipedia, Loving Day, and Answers.com .

For the sake of this article, I will focus on my own experience with racism as part of an interracial couple (specifically was it relates to social disapproval). As I said before, society has come a long way in the past 40 years. Aside from some fanatical racial supremacy groups out there, prejudice is still alive but not the same way it used to be. At least not in my part of the world. It is very rare to hear anybody openly admit that they consider themselves superior over another race. Racism these days is much more discreet and sometimes hard to identify as such.

I have found that people of the older generations tend to have more of a racist attitude toward minorities than the younger generation. I have not only experienced this personally, but have found that many people I know in interrelationships received the most criticism from their grandparents. The world was a much different place when Grandma and Grandpa were growing up. This reflects in their attitudes toward people of other races, cultures, etc. Sometimes their attitudes change with time, but sometimes they don’t.

This is not to say that older people are always racist, or that young people are never prejudice. But it may be helpful for you to know that it is pretty normal to run against a wall regarding prejudice with the older members of your family.

Just as I said earlier about stereotypes, you need to accept that you will encounter prejudice from others toward your relationship. In some way you must find a way to deal with it so it does not have a negative effect on you or your relationship.

3. Marriage Squeeze

The marriage squeeze refers to the belief that the most eligible and desirable African American men are marrying non-African American women, leaving those African American women who wish to marry African American men with fewer partnering options. Obviously, if African American women are feeling this way, they are going to be upset to see African-American men marrying white (or other race) women. If you are in a relationship with an African American man, and you are not African American, this could be a major source of disapproval from other African American’s (see Wikipedia for further explanation).

Although I have not personally experienced issues related to the concept of “marriage squeeze” in my own relationship, it is worth mentioning as a reason for disapproval of interracial marriage in some cases. I have heard others talk about it, and especially among African American women, it seems to be a hot topic.

4. Genuine and Legitimate Concern:

As mentioned earlier, the people close to you generally express concern because they love and care about you. Rarely do they set out to make your life harder than it already is.

When you are in love it is easy to become blind to reality. Your parents and friends may be able to see clearly that being in an interracial/cultural relationship will include difficulties that you are not anticipating. Guess what… usually they are right! There are things you will deal with in your life together that others don’t have to worry about.

It would probably be useful in getting more support from them if you took off your rose colored glasses (for a minute at least) to acknowledge the truth… that your relationship will have some issues that may be hard to live with. Again, it comes down to being aware of what you are getting into. It is about being able and willing to deal with the challenges that lie ahead. If your parents are having heartburn about your relationship, show them that you are educating yourself and preparing in every way you can to be successful. This may not alleviate all of their stress and negativity, but it can go a long way in showing them you are an adult, and that you are mature enough to make this kind of decision for yourself.

Finding Peace Through Following Your Intuition

I cannot stress enough about the value of tapping into your intuition as a way to be able to handle the disapproval of others. If you are at peace with yourself and your decisions, it is much easier to let the criticism of others take its proper place. It is difficult to be at war with yourself and at the same time, at war with the world. In interracial/cultural relationships, it is especially important that you be 100% sure about how you feel. It will be so much easier for you to accept that others disagree with you, and be OK with it.

Conclusion

When you find somebody you love, and want to share your life with, criticism and disapproval from others about your relationship can be very upsetting. As an interracial/intercultural couple, you are most likely going to experience this. Knowing the reasons behind the disapproval is empowering and enables you to deal with it in an appropriate way. Tuning into and following your intuition is the most important step you can take toward being confident in the decisions you are making, and therefore, being able to handle the disapproval of others.

If you have any personal experiences or insights to share about the topic discussed in this article, please leave comments!

As always, be sure to check back soon for article #4 in this series: Food and Other Basic Cultural Differences.

Communication Issues

Good communication is essential to any ongoing, functional relationship. For a couple with cultural, and especially native language differences, effective communication is generally more challenging than it would be if you had similar backgrounds.

It is important that you realize you will have to work harder at this aspect of your marriage than people in like-cultured unions. Here are some strategies for achieving more effective communication across cultural/language barriers:

1- Don’t discuss important matters by phone (if there are native language differences). Misunderstandings happen much more frequently over the telephone than they do in person; body language and other cues are not there to assist you in interpreting what the other person is saying. This is not to say that you should never communicate via phone… that would be ridiculous. It is to say that if you really need to discuss an important topic, it may be better to have your conversation in person.

2. Be open and willing to tell your partner if you are not understanding what he/she is trying to say. I cannot tell you how many times problems have come up in my marriage because we haven’t done this. In those situations, if one or both of us had been more assertive and asked for clarification, we could have avoided huge misunderstandings. Good communciation techniques , such as restating what you heard, can be very helpful here.

3. Lose the knee jerk reactions. There have been many times my husband and I have become extremely offended by each other, and in the end, it really all boiled down to cultural/language differences. Words hold different weight and meaning inside different cultures and languages. If your partner says something that is deeply offensive to you, it is important to understand the intent of the comment. It is also important to understand the meaning within the context of their culture. It requires self control and discipline to step back when you have been offended to sort these things out, instead of giving in to your instant reaction.

4. Don’t play stupid when it comes to language differences. Don’t try to get out of doing something by pretending you did not understand your partner. This is highly annoying and will not be appreciated when your significant other catches on to your deceit!

As stated in #3, if you truly do not understand what your partner is saying, be honest, and communicate about it. Don’t use language issues to manipulate the situation.

5. Learn as much as you can about the native language of your partner. Learn to speak the language if you have the opportunity. I feel somewhat hypocritical making this suggestion, as I have been married for 6 years and still don’t speak Spanish fluently. I am familiar with many words and phrases. I have spent enough time listening to my husband speak spanish to others that I am often able to understand what he is talking about. But I have not yet taken the time or made the effort to actually become fluent in the language. This is a future goal of mine.

6. Learn as much as you can about the cultural context of language pertaining to your partner. Understand that words embedded in the culture of one country often have no precise equivalents in the language of another.

The anthropologist Edward Hall points out: “No two languages are alike; some are so dissimilar that they force the speaker into two different images of reality.” For an American, the word “lunch” may suggest a ham and cheese sandwich and a diet coke, while for a Russian, “obed” points to a salad, soup, meat, fried potatoes, and dessert. It takes a knowledge of both language and culture to provide an accurate reflection of the true meaning behind the words.

As the Japanese say, you have to understand not only the words, but also the silence between them (obtained from Russian=English Translating Services).

6. If you do not speak the same native language, the way you likely communicate is because you or your partner has learned the native language of the other. In my case, my husband learned English (before we met), but Spanish is native to him. He has a thick accent, and he makes some grammatical errors. If you or your partner learned the second language past childhood, this is probably the case for you/them as well.

It is essential that you treat your partner with dignity. This is especially true when he/she doesn’t speak your common language perfectly. It is important to establish guidelines that you both feel comfortable with when it comes to correcting your partner. This is a highly sensitive issue that requires intuition and good timing. You should always aim to treat your spouse with the highest degree of respect, and never humiliate because of language difficulties.

Conclusion:

Effective communication is essential to any ongoing, functional relationship, regardless of race or culture. As a couple with cultural, and especially native language differences, communication issues will generally present unique challenges to your relationship. Being aware of this and taking steps to reduce the negative impact is essential in building a successful relationship.

The information given in this article is not exhaustive. Please feel free to leave comments with your own experience and advice on this topic.

Don’t forget to check back soon for Part #3 of this series: “Disapproval of Others”.

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*Just a note that I use the words “relationship” and “marriage” interchangeably. This works within my paradigm, but you can replace the word marriage with relationship where applicable if marriage is not part of the picture for you.

All relationships come with problems. The nature of those unpleasant realities are diverse and unique to each couple. Interracial/cultural marriages have some issues that directly and indirectly arise because of the racial and cultural differences.

If you are like me, you did not go out and plan to get involved with someone of a different racial and/or cultural background. I didn’t even consider dating my husband at first, because I didn’t envision having a long term relationship with somebody who seemed so different from myself. Finally, because of his persistence, I decided to go on a date with him just so he would stop bugging me. During that date, I started to like him, and the rest is history.

If you are currently in a relationship with someone of a different racial and/or cultural background, this series is geared to help you educate yourself regarding special issues you may face. Before you decide to make a long term commitment in such a relationship, it is important that you are aware of the issues that may come along with it. With that awareness, it is important that you accept these challenges with a willingness and commitment to deal with them. If you are not willing to accept these issues into your life, perhaps you are in the wrong relationship.

The Interracial/Intercultural Marriage Series is designed to educate you and give you the tools to be successful in your relationship. This information will be given in a series of articles. Some of the issues that will be addressed are:

• Communication
• Social Disapproval
• Food and Other Basic Cultural Differences
• Cultural Values
• Traditions
• Issues regarding children
• Humor

Each of these topics will have an article that will be posted throughout the next couple of weeks… Make sure to come back soon!

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*Just a note that I use the words “relationship” and “marriage” interchangeably. This works within my paradigm, but you can replace the word marriage with relationship where applicable if marriage is not part of the picture for you.

This article focuses on intercultural relationships. Although my marriage is both intercultural and interracial, I have found the cultural part to have a greater effect on our relationship out of the two. Race will be addressed in a different article.

Here are some things to keep in mind about intercultural relationships*:

1. Every relationship involves two individuals that were raised in different cultures. Even if you were both raised in the same geographical area, there are still differences in how you were raised and what you feel comfortable with (if you were raised in the same home ie you are brother and sister, hmmmm, I don’t know how I can help you there).

When it comes to intercultural marriage, you may have more significant differences to deal with, but basic principles of successful marriage and dealing with differences apply across the board.

2. It is imperative that you have something(s) that you can both identify with and base your relationship on. You need to have some common ground. If there is nothing that you can identify along these lines, you may want to rethink your decision to get into, or stay in the relationship.

My husband and I have some very fundamental things we share. We have the same basic set of religious beliefs and values, which is inclusive to many facets of our life. The things we have in common transcend the differences we have.

Language is something to consider here. Although it is not necessary for either of you to speak the native tongue of the other perfectly, it is important that there is one language you can effectively communicate in. It amazes me when I see people try to have a relationship when they cannot talk to each other due to language barriers.

For the most part, the relationships mentioned above are based mostly on sexual attraction. Why else would you be with somebody you could not talk to? Relationships between cultures are especially susceptible to this. These romances can be exciting, exotic and mysterious in the beginning, all of which are very powerful aphrodisiacs!

Although there is no question in my mind that sex is an important part of a relationship, it should not be the only common ground you share with your partner. If your goal is to establish a long term commitment to each other, you need to have more to work with and build on.

3. Do everything you can to learn about the culture of your significant other. Go to their place of origin if you have the opportunity.

I did not realize how important this was until I went to Bolivia. Being in Jorge’s culture of origin opened my eyes in so many ways about him. I understood things that made no sense to me before. A minor example is that Jorge loves hot drinks. He also loves to crank up the heat if he gets a little bit cold. I would get so annoyed that he always wanted to have a hot drink in the morning and would turn our house into a sauna during the winter. When I went to Bolivia, it was summer, but it was freezing cold in the a.m. (I can’t even imagine what winter is like). The houses are not insulated or heated like they are here. Therefore, I myself developed an affinity for hot drinks in the morning… it was the best way to get warm! I also suddenly understood Jorge’s preoccupation with the temperature, and finding the heat switch in our house to be a luxury (FYI…I still don’t like it when he turns the thermostat up to 80… I just understand a little more why he does it).

When I was able to see and understand things like this about my husband, I felt more connected to him, and it helped our relationship tremendously. If you are not able to visit the place your partner is from, the next best thing would be to find opportunities to interact with others from their culture locally. Find a restaurant that offers food and atmosphere that are part of the culture. Be willing to participate in recreational activities with others that are like cultured, even if it feels uncomfortable to you at first. Be open minded and willing to try new things.

4. Realize that within your relationship and your own family, you will be creating your own culture. Incorporate important aspects from both. Add things that you both feel are important regardless of cultural background.

5. If possible, associate with others who are in a similar types of relationships. When my husband and I were dating, he was wise to introduce me to other couples that consisted of an American woman with a Latin man. Initially, it was good just because I was able to see that these type of relationships can work. Over the years, I have developed deep friendships with some of these women. I continue to find these connections very valuable.

6. Follow your intuition . If you decide to be in a committed intercultural or interracial relationship, realize that you will run into some resistance and negative opinions from others. When you are following your intuition, it is much easier to deflect others negativity and have confidence in the decisions you have made.

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*Just a note that I use the words “relationship” and “marriage” interchangeably. This works within my paradigm, but you can replace the word marriage with relationship where applicable if marriage is not part of the picture for you.

When I met my husband 10 years ago, I was a much different person than I am today. Never in all my years of growing up, did I imagine that I would marry, or even date someone like him. I’m sure glad I learned better!

I am Caucasian, born and bred in the U.S. of A. My husband is Latino, born and raised in Bolivia (It’s in South America… for all of you who aren’t so good at geography. Don’t worry, I had no idea where Bolivia was 10 years ago either).

When I met Jorge, I was attending a predominan tly white , american university, with a very conservative population. I was dating and associating with others like myself who had grown up like me and I expected that my life would follow on that path.

I had just started volunteering at a local school (this was a requirement of my social work program). The very first day there I met Jorge. I was sitting in the lobby, and he walked toward me. I observed a short, brown, well dressed, man. He stopped to talk to me, and I immediately noticed that he had a very thick accent. I was taken by surprise when, after a little small talk, he asked me on a date. I said no. Actually I am not sure I was that direct, but somehow I did decline. Dating him was just nowhere in my plans or paradigm.

Well, for the next few times I showed up at my volunteer job, I would happen to run into Jorge (later I found out this was not purely coincidence, but carefully planned)

Each time I would run into him, he would ask me out again.

After a few times of this happening and me declining his invitations, I finally gave in and said I would go out with him. On the condition that we each brought some friends. He agreed, and we set a date and time.

When Jorge came to pick me up, my friends and I were ready. We went out to the car and I was surprised to see that he was not driving a low rider with the base pumped up (yeah, I had a few stereotypes to overcome). He was driving an SUV. To illustrate just how young and naive I was, when I saw the SUV, I assumed it belonged to his parents (I had never even had my own car at that point). Nope, it was his, and I was pretty impressed. Still not thinking that this would go anywhere, but impressed.

So we went to a restaurant and while we waited to be seated, we sat on a crowded bench together. While we talked, I noticed that his breath smelled really good and his teeth were really white. I liked the things he was saying too. But I kept saying in my head “its too bad I can’t date this guy” because I realized that there were a lot of things I was liking about him.

Well, the rest is really history. By the end of that date, I had thrown my caution to the wind and decided to go out with him again. Within a few weeks, I knew I really really liked Jorge. After four years of dating, we were finally married (you will be able to read more about those four years later). At the time of this writing, we have been married for a little over 6 years ( you will undoubtedly also have access to lots of stuff that involves our years of marriage so far. Lucky you! ).

When Jorge and I started dating seriously, I was met with some resistance. My parents were really supportive, and liked him from the beginning (I am lucky to have really awesome parents). Most others in my family were also supportive, but my grandpa was not happy about us being together at all. He told me “you need to find a white man to date”, and I told him that Jorge treated me better than any white man I knew (by the way, I have absolutely nothing against the “white man”. I was just using that as a comeback at my grandpa)*. I also had some friends that said similar things to me (usually in a more politically correct way though).

In addition to the “inter-relationship”** issues that were coming up, after a few months of dating, Jorge finally mustered the courage to tell me that he was divorced and had 3 children. Well, he is lucky he waited to tell me, because by that time I already loved him, and therefore I was willing to love whatever came with him.

Although I loved Jorge and wanted to be with him, I had to go through a lot of growing up before I was able to be confident in our relationship. Going through this process was not easy. I struggled for a long time with insecurities about what others thought and how life would be for us as an interracial and intercultural couple. I had to go through a lot of shifts in my thinking to get to the point I am at today.

As a social work student, I had many opportunities to use my school required research papers to my advantage. For most of them, I chose topics that had something or another to do with my relationship. I looked everywhere I could to find out about others experiences with “inter- marriage”**. I looked for research, help, tips advice. I was usually disappointed at the lack of useful materials out there on the subject.

One of my goals with this website is to provide some informative and practical information and insight regarding inter-marriage. I also have a thing or two to say about blended families, step parenting, etc, however those topics tend to be more widely addressed already.

I predict that interracial and intercultural relationships are going to continue to become more common as the world becomes a smaller place through technological advances. I feel it is important that insight, advice and experiences be disseminated to help those marriages be more successful. I am assuming that there is more information out there today than there was 6-10 years ago, when I was really looking for it. Even so, I think I have some valuable things to add.

So there you go…. a little bit more about me and why I am here. Keep your eyes open for some follow up articles on this topic, as they are coming soon.

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*FYI… I have no hard feelings toward my grandpa. He ended up coming around and really loving Jorge once he got to know him.

**I use this term to refer to interracial and/or intercultural. In my relationship, we have both issues, but I don’t want to write the full thing out each time I refer to it.